1.) Name the three branches of the federal government.
2.) Name the current president and vice president of the United States.
3.) How long have they served?
4.) How long are the president and vice president allowed to serve?
5.) How many members are there in the U.S. House of Representatives?
6.) How are House Members chosen?
7.) How long is their term in office?
8.) How long are they allowed to serve?
9.) Name the current speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
10.) Which party currently holds the majority in the U.S. House of
Representatives?
11.) How many members are there in the U.S. Senate?
12.) How are U.S. Senators normally chosen?
13.) How long is a U.S. Senator's term in office?
14.) How long are they allowed to serve?
15.) Name the current majority leader of the U.S. Senate.
16.) Which party currently holds the majority in the U.S. Senate?
17.) How many individuals currently sit on the United States Supreme Court?
18.) Name three of them.
19.) How are members of the U.S. Supreme Court selected?
20.) How long can Supreme Court Justices serve?
21.) What is an electoral vote?
22.) How many electoral votes are currently required in order to
elect the president and vice president?
23.) How is the president selected if he/she fails to receive the
required number of electoral votes?
24.) How is the vice president selected if he/she fails to receive
the required number of electoral votes?
25.) What is an executive order?
26.) How is an amendment to the U.S. Constitution passed?
27.) How many constitutional conventions has the United States had?
Now, here is MY idea of the answers, tongue firmly in cheek. The obvious answer is not always the best, and since my first answers were very similar for multiple questions (therefore boring) I had to enhance most of them:
1.) Name the three branches of the federal government.
Obviously, the dead branch, the broken branch, and the branch which is the creek that we are up without a paddle.
2.) Name the current president and vice president of the United States.
Dubya and Big Time. ("Big Time" is Shrub's nickname for his Veep.)
3.) How long have they served?
A hard question. On the one hand, we can say, "too long." But according to a lot of folks who want to see criminal charges, the answer is "none... yet."
4.) How long are the president and vice president allowed to serve?
Obviously, too long. Eight years is a long time, unless someone shoots one of them. Although clearly, Veep is a safer job than the boss'.
5.) How many members are there in the U.S. House of Representatives?
Both too many, and not enough. Frankly, California has way too many (along with Texas, Pennsylvania, and Florida), and "good" states like Wyoming, Montana, and the Dakotas, don't have enough. Theoretically, each of us has one - but close to 50% of us don't have who we wanted in there. And don't get me started on intelligence: taking the usual standard of calculating the intelligence of a committee, a mob, or a political assembly of the highest IQ, divided by the total number of members, it isn't quite zero, but it is getting there. (I know, Ron Paul might HAVE an IQ of 300 or more, but divided by 435, that's still less than "1."
6.) How are House Members chosen?
Now, hold on to your seats, you just ARE NOT going to believe this. Theoretically, here is how it works. Remember that idiot that roared past the stop sign last week and almost creamed you? And the gal at the tobacco shop that couldn't figure out how to give you the correct change for a ten-dollar bill from a six dollar, sixty-cent purchase? And your classmate that reminded you of Big Moose in the Archie comics, but even dumber? They all get an equal vote with about 500,000 other people to choose which of two (sometimes more) lying, cheating, egotistical people whose only requirement is to be over age 25 get to be a "Member of the House." Their vote counts just as much as that Mensa member down the street, the doctor who volunteers six weeks a year treating cancer in Liberia, and... you. Sick, huh?
7.) How long is their term in office?
Long enough to give them a good chance to raise enough money to get elected again. Too short to learn how to do their jobs. Not even enough time for a normal person to get a college degree (unless it is an "A.A." which probably stands for "Almost Able" to do something like sell used cars).
8.) How long are they allowed to serve?
Pretty much until someone notices that they've stopped breathing regularly, unless they get convicted and sent to prison so that they can't raise enough money to get re-elected again. When Mark Twain said that politicians should be like diapers and changed when they start to stink, he wasn't talking about decaying corpses...
9.) Name the current speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
Dear sweet grandmother Nancy. I don't know what kind of a grandmother she makes (I mean, would you take an innocent young child who was a relative of yours into that den of iniquity called DC?), but I bet she is an absolutely incredible mother-in-law, IF you are a comedian who is fond of mother-in-law jokes.
10.) Which party currently holds the majority in the U.S. House of
Representatives?
The party of theft, indecision, panic, greed, and madness, of course. Oh, wait, that describes BOTH parties that have a lot of members in Congress. I'm talking about the one that conspires with the president to get a bunch of money wasted and stupid laws passed. Oh, dear, still hard to identify it without naming names. It is the one that President Roosevelt belonged to... ah, oh! The one that Lincoln DIDN'T belong to, that discriminated against blacks and didn't want high tariffs to protect American workers. Yeah, THAT one.
11.) How many members are there in the U.S. Senate?
Gee, it depends on how many are not running for president, doesn't it? Or galivanting all over the country or the world, or in the hospital, or... Oh, you mean how many Senators are there? Is that not counting the Emperor's horses? Or just not counting the rearend of the horse? Let's see, each state has two, and there are, what, 58 states? or is it 60? Let me ask that nice senator over there...
12.) How are U.S. Senators normally chosen?
By the emperor, right? Oh, yeah, that's just horses. The horses' rears get appointed by the states, right? Oh, that changed a while ago, and now - oh, now that is just plain sick. They get chosen the same way as those Baboons on the other side of the Capitol? You mean that Paris has a say in who gets elected? Yeah, Paris the hotel, not Paris the city... oh, yeah, not the Hilton Hotel, the other Paris. Look, you are making this up, aren't you?
13.) How long is a U.S. Senator's term in office?
Notice how everything is a multiple of twos when it comes to terms of office? Is that because they are all two-faced? Six years is a long time: even a dummy like me can get through college in that long.
14.) How long are they allowed to serve?
Hmmm. Is that with or without preservatives? And taxidermy? I realize that pickling extends shelf life, and that big fat guy certainly proves that...
15.) Name the current majority leader of the U.S. Senate.
Oh, I know him. Prince Harry, the husband of Donna Reed, right? Or is it "Reid" or "Read," as in "can't read the Constitution."
16.) Which party currently holds the majority in the U.S. Senate?
Gee, I can use the same answer again, from a previous question. Ever wonder why the states have to be represented by someone of a particular party? The United States are not represented in foreign capitals by some ambassador of Party X - just the US Ambassador.
17.) How many individuals currently sit on the United States Supreme Court?
Do they really, really sit? And are they individuals, or just various manifestations of what's-his-face, the guy who wants the ring? Or is it nine rings? One ring to rule...
18.) Name three of them.
Three rings? Oh, three Nazgul. Let's see, we've got Souter, Ginzberg, Thomas, and of course Roberts, the patrol leader.
19.) How are members of the U.S. Supreme Court selected?
Let's see, you put the names of everyone who has a drivers license or has registered to vote, and then you pick names out to create the pool... no, wait, that is a jury pool, not a supreme court. Oh, I know, you start out with the season's standings, and you pick the top 32 seeds and then you have the first round and the winners go on... Oh, that's basketball? Why don't we have just five members then? No, I don't believe you. That's even more insane than how you pick out the baboons. Look, am I on Candid Camera, and you want me to believe this tall tale? You let one man pick whoever he wants, and then you turn all those pickled, preserved, party types, even the emperor's horse, loose on them to attack them and call them names and everything, and if they survive that, those baboons vote on whether to let the guy make decisions for 300 million people for the rest of his life as long as they can keep him breathing? No, that is just plain nuts.
20.) How long can Supreme Court Justices serve?
Like I said, as long as they can keep them breathing? Can't you, you know, withhold food from them, like that Terri Shavero or whoever? And they have a really, really good health insurance plan, and no HMO beancounter to pull the plug? For real?
21.) What is an electoral vote?
Now, I know that. When you have a lot of votes, that is when you have what you call an election. Seems like a duplicate name, sorta waste of words? No? You have "electors?" But isn't that just another name for "voter?" Oh, the voters vote for electors who then have an election? But didn't you just have an election to elect the electors? Sorry, didn't mean to sputter like that. Okay, you have a PRESIDENTIAL election and only the Presidential Electors, who were elected, got to vote in that election. And this is how you choose that guy that can nominate someone to dress up in those black robes and scare everyone in October?
22.) How many electoral votes are currently required in order to
elect the president and vice president?
Each state is supposed to have a number equal to the number of baboons who claim to represent it (or its people) in DC. Oh, but even though DC isn't a state (Mount Rushmore rangers to the contrary), they get three electors, too (but no baboons, except for one fake baboon - I think she might be an orangutan). But not Puerto Rico or Guam or New York City - or even Israel. How unfair is that?
23.) How is the president selected if he/she fails to receive the required number of electoral votes?
I think I saw this in a movie once. They each pull a card and the high card... no, that's not right. Ah, they flip a coin? No, that can't be right, when you have three or four people running. Oh, yeah, they have this revolver, see? And they put a bullet in it, and spin it, and each candidate puts it in their mouth... That's just in the movies? Instead, they let those same baboons in Congress decide? But just one vote per state? What about DC? Oh, nada. Gee. So those guys, led by that grandmother, would get to... oh, the NEW Congress? Doesn't sound to smart to me, all these newbies voting like that, and what, California can't get but one vote? Wow. I guess I kinda like that after all.
24.) How is the vice president selected if he/she fails to receive the required number of electoral votes?
Ah, the same way? Oh, I bet I know. The president gets to pick whoever he wants, just like before the conventions, right? No? The Senate? But no horse votes? Oh, no horse trading. Hmmm. Maybe it would be better if the horse decided.
25.) What is an executive order?
That is when you pick from the most expensive page on the menu, right? Or is it for the executive dining room? Oh, some lawyer writes up a paper and the president signs it and presto, it becomes the law? How cool is that? You may think so, but I think it really stinks. I mean, why have these baboons and the grandmother and the horse and the pickling and all that, if the president can sign whatever he wants? Oh? It really isn' t quite like a law? So you don't have to follow it? Oh, they can still bust you for it? With guns and all? That REALLY stinks.
26.) How is an amendment to the U.S. Constitution passed?
So the president just signs one of these papers and instant, he can strike out anything he doesn't like in the Constitution? But he can't add anything, unless... wow, these executive orders are pretty powerful, aren't they? Oh, that isn't what you use an executive order for, that is what a finding is for? What does he find with this finding? Is it like a metal detector on a beach? Okay, I get it. He finds some powers that were hidden in the Constitution. Just like those nine Nazgul find rights that are hidden in the Constitution, or in somebody else's constitution? But if he wants to add something, he has to go to the People? I mean, it says right there at the top, "We, the People." Oh, to the Congress. That's the baboons, right? They get to decide what can be put into the Constitution? Oh, they tell the States what to put in? This is really confusing, you know. It must take forever to do this. You have to buy off the legislators in three-fourths of the states to approve this change? And you usually only have seven years to do it? That is incredible. And what, then the president gets to sign it? No? He's out of the loop? What about the Nazgul? The men (and woman) in the black robes? Does their master get to sign it? No? But they can make it unconstitutional? Huh? Okay, let's go on. My head is hurting.
27.) How many constitutional conventions has the United States had?
You know, this thing is so fouled up, I figured you must have to have a lot of these conventions to try and fix things up. Oh, and don't you have poor grammar in that question? Shouldn't it be, "how many constitutional conventions 'have' the United States had?" I mean, United States is plural, right? You don't say, "the members has a meeting," you say, "the members have a meeting." Even if they are "united," although these states don't seem too united, to me. But seriously, you've only had the one convention? I figured, you know, an annual convention, to sort of balance out those years when you aren't letting all the nutcases elect those Baboons, or maybe, once every four years, after the new president gets picked by all those electors, maybe they had a convention? No? What a tremendous money-making opportunity everyone is missing out on, you know? Maybe, oh, every ten years you could have a convention? Oh, that would interfere with the census? No, I guess that would be confusing. Just one. Gee. That sure doesn't make much sense. When was that, back in the seventies? Huh? 1787? Isn't that kind of a long time ago? Sigh.
Look, this entire United States Government business sounds pretty hokey to me. Are you sure this isn't just some children's fairy tale someone came up with? Maybe they got it mixed up with some movie script? You're sure. I mean, if this was real, I guess you'd have a lot of scared people running around doing crazy things, for fear that they'd get mixed up in all this. But I'd think that most people would just say, "hey, this is nuts. I'm not going to play all this? I mean, I thought baseball rules were kind of bizarre, but this... Whoa! You mean you HAVE to pay attention to all these guys, this Shrub and whazzhizname, "Big Time?" (Sounds kinda like a gangster name, like "Little Joe," or "Tony the Nose" or something.) And that grandma and the horse and the pickled guy and that Nazgul that looks just like that lunchroom cook in the Archie Comics, and these Electors and all? I don't think I'd want to vote, you know, its kind of like you are just encouraging all this irresponsible behavior. And if you don't vote, then they can't make you play the game, right? Like sorta walking off the baseball court, right?
Oh, yeah, SURE I believe you... look, just sit there for a minute... I'm just going to answer my cell phone, okay? No, no, that's not 9-1-1 I'm dialing, that is just to unlock my phone, okay? Just be calm...
Again from Chuck: Patton says he thinks you need to get 18 of the questions correct
(2/3rds) in order to be allowed to vote. How'd you do? Check the
answers HERE at
http://www.gopusa.com/
