As lawyers and “risk managers” continue to play Attila the Hun to industry and commerce’s Rome, we have to face the fact that more and more warning labels are going to appear: so many in fact that often the packaging will have to be redesigned to provide room (as is happening on some over-the-counter drugs today). For example, the standard minimum food container size will have to provide room for at least one side to be 8.5 x 11 with 9-point type to hold all the warnings and cautions.
Among these that the author feels are needed (or at least likely to be found to be “needed” by the sharks in sharkskin suits:
1. Warning on turnips: May cause a choking hazard unless cut.
2. Warning on razor blades and disposable razors: Sharp edge. Do not apply to exposed veins or arteries.
3. Warning on flamethrowers: Not for use by babies and unsupervised children.
4. Warning on gas fill caps: Do not use matches or lighters to determine fluid levels.
5. Warning on electrical cords and wire: Do not lick wire if exposed and inserted in outlet.
6. Warning on books, especially “how-to” and mystery novels: Failure to read this book by numerical order of pages may result in disappointment.
7. Warning on packages of nuts: May be unsuitable for people with nut allergies.
8. Warning on passenger side of cars (beside all the other warnings): Do not attempt to exit car while vehicle is moving.
9. Warning on tin cans: Remove contents before attempting to consume them. Can is inedible.
10.Warning on table: flat side up. Ensure all four legs are on floor before attempting to use.
11.Warning at beginning and end of documentaries on death camps, urban bombers, and similar subjects: Please remember the persons performing these actions are trained professionals and these actions should be attempted at home or school.
12.Warning on “realistic” baby dolls: Failure to obey instructions for feeding and care of this doll will result in reporting violations to Social Services.
13.Warning on new pets: This is a live animal. Do not attempt to set on fire or throw from windows or moving vehicles.
14.Warning on matches: Do not attempt to insert orally or nasally.
15.Warning on kitchen cutlery sets: This 12-piece set may contain sharp objects.
16.Warning on shovel (placed on blade): Handle by other end.
17.Warning on weed killer: Designed for use on weeds but may kill animals, humans, and flowers if applied to them.
18.Warning on shower cabinet: Do not block drain nor allow water to rise above the level of your nose.
19.Warning on hammer: Hitting this repeatedly against your head may result in damage, concussion or bleeding.
20.Warning on muzzle of gun: This side towards target.
21.Warning on crucifixes: For decorative and devotional purposes only. The manufacturer does not endorse the use of crucifixion for punishment or pleasure.
22.Warning on rim of bells: Do not insert body parts when bell is in use.
23.Warning on light bulbs: Do not stare directly at lighted bulb. Allow to cool before removing. Fragile: Do not use pliers or vise grips to remove.
24.Warning on axe or hatchet: SHARP OBJECT. May cause injury if used to strike skin.
25.Warning on automobile tires: Do not attempt to use for transportation unless inflated.
